Of Mars Bars, Metal Machines and Adamantium Claws
by The Unbearded Marxist
Summary: One-shot, possibly crack-fic... Harry gets frustrated by a vending machine, cameo by Metallica


**A/N: Just something I decided to write in between. Have fun. This is actually the revised version, as I had to correct some grammar and actually got the title from Damage, Inc wrong the first time, calling it Garage, Inc (shame on me, shame on me… I swear, I was ashamed, as a Metallica fan).**

**Have a good one.**

**I do not own Harry Potter, X-Men or Metallica… Metallica… ****Metallica****… ****Metallica****… ****tallica****… ****llica****… ****ica****… ****ca****… ****a****…. ****THANK YOU WE LOVE YOOUU!**

Harry Potter was walking through Muggle London, when he suddenly walked by a vending machine. Stopping, he observed the candy in the machine after making his decision, he threw some money in.

"Let's see… Mars bar… 15… D" he pressed in the code for the Mars bar, and looked in anticipation as the machine pushed forth the Mars.

But then Harry witnessed the terror of terrors!

The Mars bar was stuck…

He blinked, and then hit the vending machine. The Mars bar was still stuck. He hit the vending machine again, harder this time, but still it didn't move. He cursed loudly, and looked around. Nobody was there, so he decided to try something else.

He was glad he had spent a lot of time on the Quidditch pit and in the gym to train his muscles, because if he hadn't, this would've surely been impossible.

He started punching and kicking the vending machine from all sides. He was moving so fast even for his own eyes his feet and hands were just a blur. But nothing happened. He stood in front of the vending machine, which had not even a single scratch. He was panting, and resting on his knees. But the Mars bar was still stuck.

His face went red with fury, and he cried out in anger. He ran over to one of the streetlights, and clutched it tight in his arms. Immediately Metallica appeared not far from him, and they kicked in with their song _Fight Fire with Fire_. Applying way more force than necessary, he pulled the streetlight out of the ground, the electrical wires buzzing and sparks flying off. He ran back to the vending machine and started bashing it with the streetlight with immeasurable agility. But even after five minutes of doing this, still nothing happened to the vending machine, nor the Mars bar. Metallica kept playing and Kirk Hammett's and James Hetfield's heavy riffs were deafening sounds of the Gods through London, James' voice blasting through the Marshall amps and Harry barely managed to not be blown away by it.

"I want my bloody Mars bar!" He cried out. He threw away the streetlight, which went through the window of one of the stores. He got his wand out and conjured a katana. Focusing all his energy into the katana, he spun on his axis rapidly, and then cut out to the vending machine.

A fierce wind blew through the city by the sheer power behind his slash. The blade became so pressured that with a deafening crushing sound, it cut right through the twenty story building behind it. The building started to fall towards Harry, and he quickly ran away. While the building was falling, people jumped out of the windows and crashed on the street, screaming in pain and agony. But that was impossible, because they fell hard on the concrete, and they were dead. So they couldn't scream.

Debris and dirt and bodies were everywhere, and when the dust finally cleared, Harry Potter slowly walked back to the vending machine. His face was covered in dirt, and he had a fierce look of determination on his face. His glasses were hanging from one ear, and he put them back on his nose. He hadn't felt this enraged and excited since he had fought Voldemort during their final fight. He finally reached the spot where the vending machine was supposed to be. He blinked.

Still intact.

Metallica was still there, except for Robert, who had been killed by a piece of the building. But no one was sad, because no one liked Robert. Thankfully, the Gods had granted them a favour, and out of a puff of smoke, Ron McGovny appeared alongside the rest of Metallica… Ron McGovny? What the f*ck dude! Another puff of smoke later and Ron McGovny had been replaced by Cliff Burton. Immediately, they started playing _Damage, Inc_.

And the Mars bar?

Hadn't moved an inch.

Harry thought he'd gone mad. He threw his hands up towards the sky and screamed so hard he thought his lungs were going to pop out of his mouth. Red energy started to flash around him like flames, and he clutched his wand desperately. He screamed out the only spell that to his mind right now, and with wild gestures of his wand, the red energy started to form a creature.

The temperature shot up and when the creature was finally formed, Harry was sure he was going to die from the burns.

With his Fiendfyre, he had summoned the form of a Hungarian Horntail made solely out of its own fire, multiplied by a thousand. The Fiendfyre-dragon opened it gigantic mouth, and another fireball started to form in it. This one seemed to emit even more heat that the dragon itself, and finally as Harry pointed it's wand at the vending machine, the dragon and its fireball both flew at it the machine. There was a great explosion and Harry only just managed to protect himself. An enormous shockwave blew most of the debris away to create a crater with a diameter of about two miles. Harry had his strongest protection charm around him, and yet the heat still scorched him. When the firestorm finally settled, he fell down onto the ground, panting heavily. His clothes were nearly all gone, and he was scarred all over. He managed to pull himself up, and took a look at the vending machine, ready for anything.

"THE FUCKING MACHINE IS STILL THERE, YEA-EAH, OH-HO-HO!" James cried somewhere between the original lines of the song, but kept playing on.

Harry wanted to cry, and he was pretty sure he was going to. Slowly, he managed to walk over to the machine, and pressed his face against the glass.

The Mars bar hadn't moved.

He couldn't take it anymore. While Metallica kept blasting on, Harry resorted to the last trick he knew. He got on his knees, and snapped his wand in half in his lunacy. He threw his hands to the sky, and started praying.

Now, Metallica were playing the acoustic middle part from _Master of Puppets_, and James swayed his head to the music with his eyes closed, trying to resist his metal-boner.

Harry kept praying, and praying, and praying. He kept praying until…

The ground shook, and as if on cue, Metallica kicked off the song _For Whom The Bell Tolls_, Cliff going wild on the bass, windmilling like a mother*cker. Harry turned around, and his eyes flew open. His prayers had been heard.

Goliath was here!

The one eyed giant was miles away, but already he towered above the horizon. By the time he had reached them, Metallica had finished their song and started on _The Thing That Should Not Be_. Harry laughed maniacally, and cried up to the giant.

"Goliath, you have come to my aid! Now, smite this vending machine with your smitiest smite, oh mighty smity smiter!" and he laughed as if he had gone crazy, at which point Metallica stopped playing because they were confused if they should keep going with their current song, or with _Sanitarium (Welcome Home)_. Goliath followed his order, and heaved his humongous foot, at least a mile into the air. Then it came crushing down, and he stepped hard onto the vending machine, which was like an ant in comparison to the giant. But Goliath cried out in pain, and clutched his foot. The vending machine had hurt him, and now it had to die!

In his blind rage, Goliath balled his fist hand punched the machine, burying it in the ground. He dug his fingers into the earth and closed his hand. He opened his fist again in front of his face, and there was the vending machine, in his hand. He lifted his other fist and threw it back. Then with all his force, he threw it back towards the vending machine in his hand.

The impact was devastating. Goliath himself was blown away by his own power, and Metallica was blown back in the past to 1984, when they were making the most awesome music out of their career. Harry managed to dig his fingers in the ground, but it took all his effort to not by blown away. After what seemed like an eternity, the shockwave ceased, and all was silent.

He was broken, and he was pretty sure he wouldn't live for much longer. It had taken everything he had to get to this point, and then some. He was completely naked now, and there wasn't a spot on his body that wasn't broken, dislocated, bruised, bleeding or even missing. He moaned, and didn't dare to look up. He didn't have the strength. Yet somehow, he did, and he could barely lift his head to look around. And there was the vending machine.

Not. A. Scratch.

Harry wanted to cry, but couldn't. The Golden Boy's head fell back in the mud and he died a painful death, rotting away in mud and his own blood. How sad.

After a few hours, a figure appeared in the distance. He was dressed in a black suit, and his graying hair looked very nice. He was followed by a younger man, maybe in his thirties. He had sideburns and an angry face. He wore blue denim and a leather jacket. After a while, they reached the vending machine. Not paying any attention to the destruction and dead bodies around them, they only had eyes for the vending machine. A satisfied smile crept on the face of Suit Man, and he looked at the other man, gesturing to the vending machine.

"As I told you, my newest invention. Logan, I give you…. The adamantium vending machine." William Stryker said. Logan shook his head.

"No way Stryker, you'll have to a whole lot better than this to convince me." He said in a dangerous tone. He looked at the stuck Mars bar, hit the glass with his flat hand, and the bar fell down. He got the bar, and walked of, peeling the plastic open. Stryker followed him on a sprint.

"Come on Logan, what do you want? Adamantium sunglasses? Adamantium bike? Tell me!"

"Claws…"

"Claws?"

"Claws."

"What in the hell do you need adamantium claws for…."

**A/N: So that's it. Totally random, but I had it in my head and it had to get out. I was going for humor and I hope I got it :P By the by, I know the Wolverine had claws before he met Stryker, but this way I found it more fun, it gave me more of an ending….**

**So yeah, have a good one.**


End file.
